last day of the year

Well, here we are then. The last day of the year and all is quiet. All our vistors left yesterday and Elise has been at Wayne's so it is just the three of us left. It is very quiet here. Mark went into the Amnesty Bookshop to do his last shift of the year. Eva and I went to Cribbs to take some clothes back and to potter then we went to see Enchanted. Eva has been desperate to see it all holidays - and I think I've been quite keen as well. We both loved it. It had a reasonable sense of self-reflection and irony though I still think the Disney smaltz was a little on the heavy side. The thought of a city lawyer marrying a simple, innocent, Disneyfied pale thin virgin in preference to his long-term designer 'woman of the world' left a bit of a bad taste in my mouth. But at least we didn't have to see them snog too much or have any nasty sex scenes. The moral ending was a bit confused and I am not sure if (according to the film) true redemption was found in this world or if we still need Disney to save us???? I discussed this with Eva who was very sure that God would still be involved if it was a 'really true story'. At least one of us can tell the difference between fact and fiction.

We met Mark for a spot of lunch then came home to rest - for some reason we are still very tired and can't be bothered to move from the house again today. We have this made capped plan to go to Wookey Hole tomorrow. We have free tickets and rather than stay at home festering on the first day of the year we thought we'd spend it down a hole in Somerset - and why not?

Well, I hope you have a lovely rest of the last day of the old year...and Happy New Year! xxx

surprisingly busy

It is remarkable how busy we have been. Providing food for large numbers of people, making and remaking beds, tiding up and cleaning loos and keeping the cat away from turkey left-overs has taken it's toll. I think I will need a holiday after all this. Despite all the business I have had a few very good lie-ins. Having my Mum about means that she and Eva busy themselves in the first hours of the morning. I have got used to not getting up until 9.30am - so I don't know how we will get back into a routine of early mornings again next week! Eva is back to school on Thursday, I have an essay to write so will be back to that on Thursday as well. Mark is back at work on Wednesday. But until then there is still a lot of holiday fun to be had...

Phil J is here and we are off to a wedding today on the Glass Boat in Bristol docks. It looks very nice but I have only just about managed to find an outfit. I hate looking nice and tidy. I hate all being dressed up - I feel uncomfortable. But what I have is ok. I think it will see me through the day without being too tight and trussed up. Mark is taking us for 2.30pm start. I will repost back tomorrow.

Apart from that we have visitors for just one more day - so best make the most of it. Then we are going to hide in the house for New Year's eve. Might pop out to the country for a day in the New Year. We have a party for my Mum on Sat (she is 70 on Fri) so we are off to Virginia Water on Friday night after school.

Anyway, Phil is encouraging me to get ready for the wedding now so I had better go and sort myself out now. Hope you all are having a lovely Christmas and getting ready for the New Year.

elf me

Happy Christmas
I have elfed myself...

nativity

Elise and I watched the Liverpool nativity again last night and found it very emotional experience the 2nd time around. There was something about the grounded way they told the story - with all it's impossibleness, confusion, pain and unlikely heroes. It is a challenge to keep telling this story in a way that refreshes us to not just what happened but more importantly why it happened. I think the Liverpool Nativity succeeded in reminding us why this story is still relevant:

God intervened in our world not so powerful people could get what they want but so those who are running scared, who have nowhere to stay, who are not welcome, who are living outside the comfort of society, they get a chance to get what they need. In Jesus we all have a small child full of hope. So, at Christmas we tell this story and remember that the baby Jesus was born in very humble circumstances, had a precarious start to life, was an asylum seeker - a refugee. But his birth was the start of new hope for the whole world.

But I wonder who is listening to this story? Do we like to keep Jesus wrapped up in swaddling clothes, a baby saviour is safer than one that grows up, heals people, challenges society and dies a bloody and shameful death as a common criminal. I wonder if some of us like the baby Jesus more than the grown up one?

I have been sent a few other nativity scenes this year. Each reminding us of other aspects of this story and the twenty first century applications.

The Glasgow Nativity














Walled Nativity, distributed by the Amos Trust - A nativity set with a difference - this year the wise men won't get to the stable.

Poignant, ironic and made in Bethlehem.
Apart from a small administration fee takings go to the manufacturers we work with in Bethlehem.










There has been quite a lot of blogging interest in these modern nativities - Cramner takes a political view; The Cartoon Church leaves it to others to have their say; John Davies has a local view; Steve B incorporates his own advent meditations into his response.

I took part in St Peter's carol service yesterday and despite some family irritations (can't be bothered to even raise them again here) we had a lovely Sunday as the family gathered to watch films, eat and chill out. Mark is at the Amnesty bookshop doing his last volunteer of the year, I am in bed, Mum is making angels with Eva and Elise is watching tv. All is well in the Loudon house. Our own imperfect nativity is set.

not getting better quick enough

It is really nearly Christmas and this cold is doing my head in. I am just about coping with chores but after tomorrow Christmas really kicks in and the festivities begin. It is going to be a quiet one with us. Not too many people (which is odd for us as we usually have lots of extras) Mum, me Mark, Eva Elise and Joe for a short while. We are going over to Bath for Boxing day. Then Phil J is coming over on 28th because we are going to a wedding on the 29th, Andy Del might pop over and it would be great if Andrea came for New Year - but it might be a hope too far. I feel a bit cut off this year and this cold isn't helping. Still it Will be out last quiet Christmas as next year I will be on duty!

I am playing guitar at the carol service tomorrow in church at 10am and I still feel a bit rubbish. Tis cold is nasty. I would love a G&T - but I'm a bit worried that my cold is still hanging about - will it make it worse...what the heck a small one during the strictly last show!

last minute Christmas shopping

I am not doing anything.I have a nasty cold and am stuck in bed - done the cards though which is good. But I hate it here already. Elise and Eva have gone to do some last minute shopping and I may have a little sleep though the last time I went off I have horrid dreams and woke up in a sweat (nice!). I have a bunged up nose and a banging head and want to eat all the food in the world.

Anyway, I wonder if you might need a bit of cheering up as well? If you do take a look at the reviews for Bic Crystal ballpoint pen, medium point, black, on amazon. It is a beautiful thing.

new hair

I have had my Christmas haircut and have decided on purple for the rest of Advent and Christmas. I hope you like it.

dancing

there has been a lot of dancing this weekend. I was dancing about on Friday because managed to put 5,000 words in a reasonable order for this essay (Mark is proofing it as I write so I will have some sort of idea about what more has to be done with it by lunch-time. I have tomorrow to finish it and hand it in by noon tues).

Saturday was Eva's dance class show - she was a reindeer - it all went off well though to be honest I was quite stressed as I was torn between the dance show/party and the church Christmas open day/fair. They were both happening at the same time and the church and community centre are next door to each other so I was popping in and out of both until the dance thing stopped. The tension between the two groups was a bit stressful as well. I got a lovely chocolate cake and some marmalade though and I had a hand massage which was lovely.

In the evening I went to the Trinity college Christmas review. I was impressed with the array of talent and humorous self reflection. I genuinely had a big laugh. Our group did a rendition of Baby got Book which didn't go exactly as planned but was OK (only just) though John Bimson was star of our act. I did have a few sherbets so was having a great time. I loved the cheesy disco afterwards and had a great dance with Geoff which made my night.

Strictly is hotting up - really can't call who is going through but I think Gethin might win. Phil H has a great strictly statistics site which is most useful for updates. I will be glued to the box later for the results and the last Cranford. I will probably pop round to Laura and Paul's for there Christmas do though that's really up to Eva as Mark is off to Stroud to watch the footy so she and I will be doing our own thing.

when spooks and essays collide

I have been having the maddest dreams and I can only assume it is as a result of the stuff I am putting in my head at the moment. I am writing an essay on the centrality of the cross in Pauline theology referring specifically to Galatians and 1 Corinthians (5,000 words). On Tuesday I watched Spooks, which is getting more improbable by the week and is not very well written and just must come to a crashing end soon. Anyway, when these two things collided in my dreams they created a mad dream drama about how I might be able to stop the crucifixion of Christ. If only I knew how to make it stop I could save Christ and the world and ensure things were put back in order. Then I could walk away unnoticed - returning to an ordinary life. Of course that is not how the story ends so after what seemed like hours of chasing about the Middle East I eventually failed, Jesus was crucified and the rest, as they say, is history. Not only did I have to suffer the pain of failure I also had to go through in dream-scape the whole agonizing experience of watching Jesus die (in real time) and the full flow of emotion that this threw up. I woke up scared, confused and very sad.

Last night wasn't much better but this time I had to explain to the Jewish nation what 'covenantal nomism' is. I am not sure it really my performance impressed them.

I tell you I will be very pleased when I get this essay out of my head. I got this weeks copy of Heat magazine to read just before I go to bed - so tonight's dreams could be very interesting!

Help Amnesty stop UK government attempts to lock people up for six weeks without charge!

Amnesty International needs your support for a new campaign called - Not a Day Longer – to stop the government extending pre-charge detention limits yet further and undermining basic human rights.

We’re asking people to sign an e-petition on the Number 10 website stating their opposition, which 600 have signed up to already (and it only went up on Friday).

Sunny Hundal’s leading the bloggers’ charge over at Liberal Conspiracy – the campaign page is here - while Frank Dobson is reportedly doing the same in parliament.

The UK government seems determined to give the Home Secretary the draconian power to lock people up for 42 days – that’s six weeks – without even charging them. Given that the current limit of 28 days pre-charge detention for terrorism suspects is already longer than in any other common law country and is an unacceptable ‘special measure’ that has to be renewed by parliament every year, this new attempt is outrageous.


1. UNDERMINES one of our most basic rights, enshrined in UK law as far back as Magna Carta and now at the heart of the European Convention on Human Rights, to which UK is a signatory: the right for anyone who is detained by the state to be told promptly why they are being held and what they are charged with.

2. COMMUNITY relations will suffer if the Muslim community appears to be particularly targeted for prolonged pre-charge detention. This could have an impact on intelligence gathering and policing, and could undermine positive efforts to engage with Muslims in the UK.

3. IMPACT on any individuals detained for such a long time – in terms of their job, family, house, friendships and relationships within their community – would be devastating.

4. QUESTIONED widely by experts – Lord Goldsmith (former Attorney General), Stella Rimington (former MI5 Chief), Sir Ken Macdonald (Director of Public Prosecutions and head of the Crown Prosecution Service) and parliament’s Joint Committee on Human Rights.

5. UNDERMINES presumption of innocence –Two months in prison is roughly equivalent to the length of time someone might serve in prison for assault. Lengthy pre-charge detention would impose what is in effect a ‘sentence’ of two months on somebody who may never be charged with any crime.

6. UK ALREADY has by far the longest pre-charge detention period for offences related to terrorism of any common law state.

7. INTERNATIONAL STANDING – it is much harder for the UK to criticise the human rights records of other countries that lock people up without charge when we are doing so at home. This measure would give other countries a ‘green light’ to curtail civil liberties.

8. HISTORY – from Northern Ireland and Amnesty’s experience all over the world - shows that locking people up without charge doesn’t work.

9. STATEMENTS obtained from suspects could be deemed inadmissible at trial if detention conditions are considered to be unduly harsh.

10. SAFEGUARDS discussed are insufficient – the kind of judicial oversight proposed is in no way the same as charging someone and giving them the chance to defend themselves in a fair trial.

This is a pressing issue - the Home Affairs Select Committe were quizzing Jacqui Smith about it today, politicians are discussing it now and the vote will be early next year. I hope you can help us ensure that this measure doesn't get through.

generating kindness

My sermon went ok today - not as fluid as I had hoped but nevertheless it was fine. People were very kind to me and as I had asked 5 people to give me feedback they said some nice things and some useful things which I am most grateful for.


As I mentioned yesterday I gave each member of the congregation a red advent star with a verse from Romans on it. At the end of my sermon I encouraged them to write the name of someone who they felt needed God's hope and asked them to pray for this person during the rest of advent. I then read out the verse as a blessing. It was a simple thing but it seemed to resonate for a number of the older people who spoke to me after the service about how it had moved them and how they now felt they would be able to focus their prayers for hope. One lady, who has recently suffered the bereavement of a close family member, told me that she had put up her tree which she said 'nobody would see', and she hadn't got a star to put on the top. She was so pleased that now she had! Something so fragile and small as a red paper star had offered a bit of advent hope to her. Anyway, someone will see her tree because I hope to go to her house for a cup of tea sometime this week.

If you are up for generating kindness then do take a look at the re:jesus blog as we are discussing inventive ways to be kind at Christmas.

home alone

I took Mark and Eva to the airport at 7am this morning. It was very early to be out and about on a Saturday but I made the most of it. I was in Sainsbury's getting Christmas bits and bobs by 7.30, in town by 9am getting red paper for printing stars for my sermon tomorrow and trying to buy a copy of Dunn's 1 Corinthians which neither SPCK or Wesley Owen had in stock. I ended up in the Trinity Library at 9.30am stressed out because the books I needed were not there but they hadn't been signed out so I have no idea who to ask if I can borrow them when they're done. So, I don't know what I will do about the reading. I guess I will have to make do with 1 commentary and a few general texts.

Anyway, I finished off my sermon and cut out star shapes for each member of the congregation to take away fr Advent with a vrse from Romans:
May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that you may abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.
Romans 15.13

which took me longer than had expected. So, after eating lunch, having a little sleep (well I was up very early) and reading for a bit it was time to watch strictly and Robin Hood. I went to Liz and Phil's which was great because the actually like these programmes - unlike Mark who huffs and puffs his way through Saturday night TV.

I am just doing a bit of blogging then off to bed for an early night because I have to be up early to preach tomorrow. It is odd not having Mark and Eva here. It's very quiet, tidy and empty.

long week

It has been a long week and I have finally run out of steam. However, I slept in this morning and didn't get to college which meant that I feel a bit better (guilty but better). I have been tidying the house and have moved on to planning my work for reading week. I have a sermon to prepare for Sunday - if you want to come and hear me preach I will be at St Peter's Church, Lawrence Western at 10am! I also have a 5,000 word essay for Galatians and 1 Corinthians to write which I am not feeling great about. I have done some reading and some vague planning but it is not coming together at all. This is an MA module and the essay will be marked at this standard - somehow my MA in Popular Music Studies and my PhD research into music hall has not prepared me well for the rigors of theology at this level. I have the academic skills but the minutiae of the discipline of Theology is very tricky for a dyslexic brain. I am good with ideas and concepts but not great with detail. Hey ho. I am sure I will find a way through it but at the moment it feels just a little bit intimidating.

I am loving my new macbook. How good it feels to be typing fast and uploading stuff. The only thing is that I can't find a way to change the colour screen for word for mac. I like blue background and black type but it can only seem to do normal or blue with white type. If anyone knows how to sort this please let me know.

Mark and Eva are off to Belfast tis weekend and Elise has gone to Liverpool so I am home alone. Shame I won't have Mark to listen to my sermon. Never mind I have a lifetime of sermons to preach so I am sure he will have a chance sometime. I am going to press on with my essay reading and try to have a rest. Reading week next week will give me a chance to catch up on work and I might even get to do the Christmas cards. I have better go now and do some more work on my sermon.

Taize style worship

Mark came into chapel this morning and took some pictures just before the worship began. This gives a visual flavour of the service.

10.55

This is what time it is. I have led chapel and had a bit of a panic and I am now writing a sermon. This morning's worship Taize style went very well. I think I find the monastic style of worship help me to focus on God and reach out beyond my feelings, physicality and move from my own ideas and projections. Even when I was leading today I found myself being taken into the chants and praising God as well as reaching out to God's mercy. I also felt empowered not overwhelmed by the burdens of the world - sometimes I leave prayers for the world exhausted and overwhelmed. But today I came away feeling like my small steps, my little efforts, my whispered prayers can add to the groundswell against injustice; they might contribute to the sound of fury against oppression; they might reach out into peace. When I am tired, when I feel I have nothing else to give, God steps into that mess and doesn't magically make it disappear but opens up a gap in the darkness for a spec of light to shine in - I can choose to close my eyes and ignore that hope or I can slowly pick at the corners and open it out. So, I am going to spend the day picking at the darkness to see how much light I can let in.

monday

My worship group is leading chapel again this week - this week we are doing Taize style worship. This involves (amongst other things) lighting lots of candles, wearing cassock albs, chanting and extended periods of silence. As there were lots of candles to light I got into chapel for 8am this morning - just as well because the person who was doing intercessions was ill so I had to cover for him, also the laptop and projector didn't turn up. So we improvised our way through and it all seemed to go ok - thanks to the music group and the common worship prayer book.

I was a bit brain dead after it was over though and the prospect of trying to read for my essay or prepare my sermon filled me with horror. So for some reason I decided to go to cribs to finally buy my new macbook. Having received some very generous financial assistance I was able to go to John Lewis and buy one of the peg. It was quite satisfying - if not a bit scary. After nearly a year of saving I now have a new toy to play with. So here I am playing with it now and trying to set up all my systems (the email configuration is taking a while becuase we seem to have lost all the information).

Tonight is Eva's talent show at brownies so there's that to look forward to (not). What a terrible mum I am not wanting to sit through a brownie talent show. I am not sure what Eva is doing - it was a recorder act but due to some mix up with music that changed last week so I have no idea what she is planning to do now. I will let you know. Anyway, for some reason Elise has started to put up the Christmas tree and it has set off a chain reaction of shouting and furniture removal. I have to go....

rested

Today is a rest day. I am just getting started having had breakfast in bed and read the church times and a book about medical ethics. Mark and I also had a long talk about stuff - family, curacy, Christmas, being ill, houses, money. It is amazing how much there is to talk about. So many things going on in out poor little heads. I spend quite a lot of time praying but forget to talk to my husband - In ironic twist of circumstances that needs some attention. So, we are going to spend the day listening to music, visiting friends and resting. Together.

sick

both Mark and I are not well - I have a virus (cold sore, head ache, sickly), Mark is cream crackered - he's been working all week, then sorting Eva out and being in charge of the house and because I am busy and ill he takes the brunt of domestic chores. It is grim when we both are ill. He's gone to bed and I am bathing Eva. It is shame that we aren't firing on all cylinders because we had 2 invites out this evening. Firstly, we were asked overt to the Broadway's to the private view of their exhibition; secondly Steve Tunnicliff and Adam Bond asked if we fancied a curry. We hardly ever get out and we end up doing nothing, going to bed early and, in my case, reading Moltman's The Crucified God (Oh Joy).

I have a busy weekend ahead of me. It is academic awards at Trinity on Saturday - I can't get to the ceremony because there isn't childcare and Eva has her penultimate dance class before she has the Christmas show. I have a very large shopping trip to do - we haven't been to the shop since last Fri and have been living on Birthday leftovers for a week (tonight's pasta bake whilst being quite tasty used up all the remaining veg). Jenny Low is coming over for afternoon tea, as she is a vicar I shall we uttering the immortal lines (More tea vicar) with relish (though milk is traditional - see what I did there?). Sunday I might skive off morning church because I think I need a rest but I am just as likely to decide to get up and go. In the evening is Foundation middle sized service - all things in common? which I hope I will get to (as long as I have completed my sermon, read some stuff on Paul's attitude to the cross, and had at least 3 hours cuddling with Eva).

youtube

seems to have just disappeared - puff and it has gone. It will probably be back on by tomorrow but it got me thinking about how reliant I have become on such strange communication - things that happen somewhere else and that I have no real control of. When t'internet broke in out house at the weekend it was liberating (as I have already mentioned) but it was also a bit scary. I needed to write an essay and a sermon and it would have been useful to get on-line to check a few things: I copy bible passages via t'internet, find references, look up journals, use Wikipedia (just too often for my own good) and just love to surf for mindless stuff to chill out. But I wonder if I am actually over stimulating my brain, putting too much stuff in my head and communicating in an irrational and person-less way? If I carry on using this technology I need to find a healthier way to use it. I am becoming too dependent and to be honest if I can't control the mechanism of communication I can not rely on it and so it is useless to me.

So, Youtube is down and as a result I can not access my videos or check comments that have been left - therefore it is an unreliable form of communication and I should not trust it. It is just a game and I can walk away from it (if I keep telling myself this and it might actually become true). The irony of my posting this via my blog is not lost on me.

photos of trinity college

Trinity Library


Mark has been taking photos of college for some publicity. They cover a normal day at Trinity - chapel, lectures, community coffee, library, bookshop, lunch...that sort of thing. Anyway, If you'd like to take a look then go to Mark's Picasa page.

I am struggling with a nasty virus at the moment. Got a cold sore and feel sick. I am going to get an early night and hope that tomorrow brings a bit more positive health vibes. I have so much to do and feel under a great deal of pressure. I am sure it will all get done but I could really do with NOT being ill. hey ho.

birthday cards

I am so grateful to my lovely friends for their birthday kindness and generosity. I have lots of lovely cards and presents and because my Mum was so generous I think I am going to be able to finally, after nearly a year of saving up, buy a macbook (they didn’t have any in at John Lewis when I went at the weekend – JL offer a 2 year guarantee so are my choice of supplier). So, I really am a very fortunate birthday girl. Except it isn’t my birthday anymore…and I would like some advice on how long to keep my cards up. I think a week is about right but I am already thinking they need to come down. What do you think? What is official card etiquette?

t'internet

Cheers! (not sure about this photo - I hadn't even had a drink and I have boss eyes, my hair is also flat. Hey ho)





Had a low tech weekend because the internet broke down at our house. So, I couldn't email or blog. It was very strange but liberating.

Anyway, I had a great party on Friday - as you know, because you were there...weren't you? - I haven't been up that late for ages and I danced and danced until my feet swelled up and my back ached (actually that didn't happen until the next day). I ate too much cake. I still have one more cake to eat - let me know if you'd like a piece - but it's shop bought!!! It was great to see so many people from out of town and witness Foundation, Trinity and Liverpool people mixing. I think we did very well.

Saturday was a very chilled out recovery day - Andrea and I spent most of it (when we eventually got up) on the sofas putting the world to rights. Sunday was back to normal(ish) with preaching teams in the evening (Geoff's turn at St Mary's Shirehampton). He was very good.

So, that was the edited version of the weekend. The full version is available in person.

Today is back to normal. I have some chores to do, a lot of reading to get through and the next edition of Wholly Trinity to publish. So, I'd best be off.

40

I really haven't blogged since Sunday. It is, as Steve points out a record...but I just haven't had a spare moment. I had an essay to write on Monday which spilled into Tues so I had to juggle that with lectures, college stuff and seeing Mark and Eva (I have to say I have spent approx 3hrs this week with my family - which is shocking) - I had an ethics lecture on Tues evening so missed Spooks (which I caught up on last night at 11pm and was terrible so if you haven't seen it don't waste an hour of your precious life doing so); then Wednesday I was at college all day and as it was Federation Communion in the evening I was out again until 9.30pm. Now, I am not telling you this to exact your pity but to explain my blogging absence. I love what I am doing, yes I get sad when I don't see Eva and Mark and tired when I don't get to sit down and read Heat magazine and doze with the TV on but I love being at Trinity, being in community, deepening my relationship with God and learning about theology. It is an opportunity that I'm very grateful for. So, when I woke up this morning and magically I am 40 years old I know that I am extremely blessed.

I can't believe I am 40 today though. But, if I needed proof it came in the shape of a giant pink heart shaped cake that Jen in the Trinity kitchen made for me (pictures to come). I shared the cake with everyone at coffee this morning then started sneezing...and haven't stopped. So, I have come home for antihistamine and a rest. Back in for tea and a lecture tonight though. Mum is on her way and I have heat magazine to read.

I promise not to leave you alone in the virtual world for so long again. Much love and blessings dear reader. xxx

end of the weekend

It is nearly over and I really need more of it. I have had a great lazy weekend - just seeing people and chilling out. I didn't even get the hoover out or do any baking. I mostly read some books (I know I shouldn't have but I really need to keep on top of Trinity college reading and even though I promised myself I wouldn't I gave in today and read some stuff about preaching in a postmodern context - It was quite interesting really and I am quite pleased that I got into it. Now I can almost definitely write an essay tomorrow) and slept (had 2 lie in's this weekend). We went over to some friends for lunch yesterday and today we had people over for afternoon tea. So, a chilled out social kind of weekend. Just dinner, Strictly Come Dancing and Foundation to do before bed. The back to college tomorrow. Can't believe this was my last weekend being 30(odd). I am nearly ready to be 40...but not quite.

mix up with blogs

sorry to post the 24 thing twice. I thought I was posting it to the Wholly Trinity Blog but got mixed up. It was a bit of a crazy day yesterday and I have to say my brain was frazzled by the end of it. I had led pastoral group prayers first thing then had to preach on Ruth 1 at 11am. I also had a bit of a meltdown because I am working so hard but my brain isn't behaving itself. I keep getting words mixed up, I a being clumsy and forgetful which is usually a sign that I am not coping with stuff. My dyslexic symptoms kick in and my poor old brain starts shutting down a bit (probably why I got the posting mixed up). It is difficult to know what to do when this happens - sometimes it is best to just rest it, not let it have any more information, not read or watch serious tv or radio 4 - if I take this approach I find that pulp tv, loud pop music and white wine are good medicine. The other approach is to fight the symptoms and keep on with the academic discipline. Seeing as I had been pushing through the week and it had only got worse I went for the first option and sat in watching the 'pudsey bear show' with Elise's granny Roselene, we chewed the cud put the world to rights and I had a little cry.

I am trying to rest this weekend. Not going to make my brain do very much and hope that my monday it has started functioning at a reasonable level again. So, I must go now because even this is making my head hurt.

24: The Unaired 1994 Pilot

....when technology was much much more basic



I post this here for Paul. xxx

clerical wear/ware

what do you think - should it be wear or ware. I guess the stuff does extend beyond clothes and into fancy nick nacks...hoods, scarves, frilly surplice. here has been some debate in the Loudon house about this as I have been looking at catalogues and have been measured for a cassock, surplice, clerical shirts and a cape (the thing I like best is the cape). I look like a pudding and I am not happy about it. Even if I lost loads of weight and grew my hair I can't see how I am ever going to look tidy in clerical wear/ware. I manage to make even the nicest clothes look scruffy - a skill that I was born with. The whole being measured by the clerical outfitters - J&M was reminisent of my school days when Thomas Plant used to come to school to get us sorted for our uniforms. We wore Welsh Tweed which is the most impractical material for teenage girls - it frayed, got covered in food (it had to be dry cleaned!!) and was inflexible. I always felt spending so much money on impractical clothing that had no meaning beyond the convention of that institution was a waste and a symbol of our arrogance, affluence and being 'other'. I wonder if caught up in my response to the clerical wear/ware are simular concerns?

I wonder how long it will take for me to feel comfortable in the vicar uniform or even if I will end up wearing it all that much? I guess time will tell. In the meatime I have to get the right clothes for my ordination so I will order them as requested.

By the way I prefer the 'clerical wear' option...

Steve and Moira Broadway

Last night Mark and I had a lovely meal at the house of Steve and Moira Broadway. A fab dinner (roast pork, red cabbage and roast veggies, apple crumble for pudding - yum
yum!) and great conversation. Steve and I met in cyberspace blogging then in real life at Foundation - but actually sitting down to a meal and having a face-to-face conversation has alluded us for almost a year. So, it was great to spend time with Moira and Steve, visit their lovely house, see the exhibition space in the basement and just hang out together. Thanks to the Broadway's for making us feel so welcome and special. xxx

On Sunday my college pastoral group came over to ours for a pot-luck lunch. Over 25 people (including babies, children and teenagers) in our little house was a bit of a squeeze for a sit-down meal but somehow we managed it - a bit of fork rotation was required, but hey ho! Despite my initial disappointment at having to change groups this year I am really enjoying the new group and the opportunity to meet some new people. We are quite a diverse group - ages, gender, married, single, some living in Bristol others commuting, with and without children - and as we get to know each we are starting to find our common focus and the way we can support each other in Trinity community life. I had a great time. The one thing about a small house is that it doesn't take long to clear up - I was sorted by the time Strictly Come Dancing results show started. But, I was exhausted!

Stevie Wonder - Superstition live on Sesame Street

given that I featured James Blunt on Sesame Street the other day I thought I should put this up as well - Mark sent it to me the other day as the antidote to the JB appearance.

24: The Unaired 1994 Pilot

....when technology was much much more basic

weekend

It is Saturday again! Where did the week go?
Monday - catching up with essay stuff, reading and adm' - thoug I didn't get as much done as I had hoped!
Tuesday - went to chapel in college at 8.40am then to a Conference - The Estate We're In - organised by the National Estate Churches Network in Avonmouth. It was a great day but very tiring. The keynote speaker was Rebecca Tunstall, London School of Economics, author of 25 years on 20 Estates: Turning the Tide? which is available at the Joseph Rowtree website. It was very useful and inspiring to meet people who are working on estates and catch their vision for the spirituality of such places.
In the evening I had a lecture - on Ethics, a new course I started this week - which continues until Christmas. So, didn't get home until 10pm.
Wednesday - college all day and I led chapel in the evening, my pastoral group tutor was leading communion and I deaconed. I think I did alight, not too many mistakes. Had tea at college and home by 8pm
Thursday - in for chapel at 8.40am, a new course on Romans in the morning, some time off in the afternoon then in for another lecture in the evening. back home by 10pm.
Friday - in chapel for 8.40am, Homiletics in the morning, then course board in the afternoon. Home by 6pm - earliest this week and the first time since Monday I saw Eva before bed!
Saturday - I took Mark to work this morning at 8.30am, Eva to dancing at 10.30am, done soem flower arranging in church and been to see Jenny Low. This afternoon I have been sorting stuff out for visitor tomorrow. I am in need of some time out really but don't know when that will happen. I have tried to do too much again and am feeling a bit worse for wear. I might make it as far as Strictly Come Dancing but to be honest I could quite happily go to bed now. So, a cup of tea and a cake and see what happens next...

my birthday

I am going to be 40 on the 22nd November - I know it is very difficult to believe this because I have such perfect skin and act like a 16year old but it is true. Having fiffed and faffed about and made no decision about what to do to celebrate the milestone I finally came up with a party plan last night...

I have an evening lecture on the 22nd so will be in LR2 looking at Galations and 1 Corinthians with David Wenham et al until 10pm. So, I will have a party (at our house) on Friday 23rd November and you are invited. But you have to tell me you are coming to get any further information. See you then.

Ken Dodd

I have been looking at youtube videos and found this from the I am Here local history project in Liverpool. This one is great but there are so many more that it is well worth taking a look at them. Enjoy this Ken Dodd story Told by May.

ken dodd on songs of praise

I don't usually watch Songs of Praise but tonight was an exception. The thought of seeing the Bishop of Liverpool and Ken Dodd on the same show, in the same room and nearly on the same couch was enough to keep me tuned in. I can tell you that it was one of the most entertaining TV shows I have seen for quite some time (Strictly Come Dancing apart). It was a tribute to Ken on his 80th birthday. Ken was on top form (so was the Bishop) and he sang two songs (Ken not the Bishop) - the Footprints songs which was filmed on Formby Beach with the sea out (so no sea to been seen) and Happiness accompanied by a gospel choir and assorted children from the Cathedral Choir. It was one of the most extra-ordinary things I have ever seen on the BBC. If you missed it you really should try to watch it on catch up. If anyone records it could I have a copy.

I have tried to look for a recording of the show on youtube but there really isn't very much Doddy stuff on there at all. This is the best I could do. Here is Ken with Dickie Mint...

spicegirls - headline

I heard this for the first time today - is it me or does it sound like they are singing about headlice...? Well most of them have children now so perhaps it is an issue that is close to their hearts. To be honest I think it is a bit rubbish. It doesn't do anything for me, doesn't break any new ground and I am not getting the spice girls retro thing at all - just doesn't sit right with me (unlike the Take That effort which just felt so right). Anyway if you need to hear it go to PopJustice.

This is the video, what are they doing? what are they wearing? Good pop videos have a point but I have no idea what is going on here...

curacy

This is St Peter's Church, Everton











This is the vicarage where we will be living (current curate is standing at her front door!)















This is St John Chrysostom Church, Everton











While we were in Liverpool we confirmed a number things and spent some time meeting people from the churches where I am going to be curate next year. You may well have picked up that the curacy was sorted in August but as these things are complicated and the system of confirmation of posts is such that it has been tricky to officially let you know about it. But, I think it is safe to let the cat out of the bag now. We are very excited about he prospect of being back in Liverpool and living in Everton - we have not ever lived in this part of town and in this sort of environment. But we relish the thought of being there and are looking forward to it. My new boss (the Vicar) is Henry Corbett is great. He and his wife Jane have been very supportive and helpful. The fact that they care so much about the community, Everton and social justice is impressive.

So, more of the bits of this plan come together over the last few days - sorting out a school for Eva - St Margaret's C of E school, Everton, meeting local people as Henry's future colleague and thinking about moving into the house that Debbie currently lives in. It seems a long way away but also frighteningly imminent. I am still here doing this training but I am also getting ready to be somewhere else. It is a tricky situation to be in and one that I must keep clear headed about. Make the most of opportunities here and not lose focus of what I am doing in the here and now.

...talking of which I feel I have jet lag (and Liverpool is only 250miles away) - we got in at 1am this morning and I have been getting my head round the trip all day. I am a bit fuzzy in the head and need to get to bed - if only to stop this day and get ready for the next one! Tomorrow will begin with a new focus on getting down to working hard on Trinity College matters and enjoying the moment.

liverpool

I have and a few very busy days in Liverpool sorting stuff out, meeting people and trying to not get too homesick. We got here on Sunday and decided to stay with Andrea because Paula has very kindly given us her flat. Monday was spent with Sara talking about my PhD. I think we sorted a few things out and although there is still lots of work to do on the draft we agreed that I was in a good position to submit ahead of the new revised schedule. Monday evening we had a great dinner at Bob and Sue's house and Andy Del' came over so it was good to see all of them and have a chat. Today I have been to Everton to check out some stuff about the curacy and go to a few community meetings. I also checked out a school for Eva - it is very promising. Tomorrow we are all going back and Eva can meet her potential new teacher. I am at Matt and Kate's house now - the kids have got back from trampolining and I hope Eva is worn out and can get an early night. I don't know what we are going to do next. Food, chat and bed I suspect. Mark is at a dress rehearsal for the lantern festival so I need to find him and probably get him warmed up and dried out. It is all go here I tell you.

I might well not get to blog until Thursday...hope you can wait till then for more news?

the weekend

Mark is feeling really rubbish and I am at the end of my energy levels. I can't believe we are feeling so knackered. Most of our recent arguments have been about who is going to say in bed longest and who is or isn't taking up the slack. Both too preoccupied and in survival mode to really take the other's burdens. So, getting to Saturday afternoon without some major bust up feels like medals need to be awarded.

Yesterday Eva and I went to the zoo with Andy Dix and Bill (his 18month old boy). We had a great time...I loved the penguins and the hippo's and we saw the seals being fed. You really could spend hours in the zoo just staring at the caged animals. When you go with a different person you get a whole new perspective on it. This time we spent a lot longer in the reptile house and aquarium. Eva was fantastic with Bill an they had a great time inspecting the animals and giggling at stuff that was almost impossible to find funny (but it somehow was). Eva is great with smaller children, she is so patient and kind, and finds them very amusing.

The thing I hate most about the zoo is that you can't leave without going through the gift shop. This half-term has cost me a fortune - partly because my will to say no to Eva's demands has been so low but also because I am constantly faced with toys, sweets and tat everywhere I go and it is made very difficult for me to say no. Anyway, I got away with buying some butterflies made of plastic (£1.50) so it wasn't too bad. they really sell some rubbish as well. Loads of nasty plastic stuff. hey ho.


Last night I went out with Jenny Low to a Fresh Expression - The Lighthouse in Hartcliffe, Bristol. It was very interesting to see how this group spends time together and talk about their faith. They meet once a week and share a meal they might watch a video or share stories. I really enjoyed spending time with them and hearing about the group and their individual concerns.

Today I took Eva to dancing then popped over to the New Place to a table top sale - Eva was give £5 and she spent the lot on a bag, make-up, small toys and jewellery. Mark and I had cheese and ham toasties and chatted to Emma, Charity and Tara. We then went on to the Shirehampton craft fare because I said I would have a look at some work that a woman from church had submitted. It was one too may chores for me today and I got very upset about a car pulling out in front of me. Just all a bit too much. So here I am back at home trying to explain why things aren't going as well as they might but not really finding any solutions. I guess I give these things to God, try my best not to let it spill over into my relationships with others and try to undo whatever it may be that is underlying all this anxiety.

Tomorrow we are off to Liverpool for a few days. Perhaps the break away from Bristol will do me good. Get a perspective on all this and shift it on. I hope so.

thursday

A day of chores. Went to the dump with plastic bottles, printer cartridge, some clothes and a lightbulb - all for recycling. Felt so good about myself that Eva and I went to Westbury-on Trym to eat toasted teacakes (it is becoming an obsession of ours to find the perfect teacakes and there is a great cafe in Westbury that sells very big ones that they cook in a muffin press and they serve them with big portions of butter which you are allowed to spread yourself. The tea is very good as well, it is made with tea leaves which are brewed in a special cup and you are given a 3 minute timer so it brewed to perfection; but Eva has tap water). We also went to explore the charity shops - I got 2 books and a pot (for potpori), Eva got a spinning top and a pair of jeans.

We then went to Cribs to look at macbooks in John Lewis. am thinking of getting one and they do 2 year warranties on electrical products as standard so it was worth looking. the jury is still out on the whole project. I am scared to spend the money even though I have saved up and my Mum says she'll help me out (as a 40th birthday pressie). Now the leopard opertating system has come out (actually it is launched tomorrow) I think I might wait just a bit longer and see what happens (3 weeks might do it - just in time for my birthday).

Having got Mark (who has got a nasty cold) from work at 3pm we went to Sainsburys for supplies, came home read magazines and chilled out. I ate too much popcorn and watched TV. Mark retired to bed early with his sore head. I think I might try to do some college work tomorrow but I might have to wait and see how Mark feels - if he is to ill the is no point in me leaving him on his own with Eva.

So, that's another holiday day done. I am starting to relax but it is nearly over. We are off to Liverpool on Sunday for a few days. Sort some things out: see Sara about my PhD draft (might call it my daft PhD now!), see a school for Eva, me go to visit the curacy parish and go to the lantern carnival. I just hope I don't get Mark's cold.

wednesday

mark went to London today at 6.30am - I know that he left because when he turned on the car (is that what you say....no you say started the car don't you!) he had left the stereo on so loud when he last drove it that it actually woke me up - I was asleep in the bedroom in the attic - he is such a ghetto boy, listening to techno at full pelt waking the street at 6.30am. The shame. I tried to roll over and go back to sleep but it just wouldn't happen. So, that blew the lie in! I had breakie in bed, read my bible (trying to make it though Acts before college starts again), read a Grove Booklet on Preaching as Dialogue then Eva came in to ask for breakfast at 8am. So, that was the day started.

having read a bit more, fallen asleep again for 1/2 hour and realised Eva was watching some really rubbish Bratz film I decided we needed a project - so we spring cleaned the house. We had a great time and it was good having someone small to get to do all the nooks and crannies below knee height. She was a great help. having got the whole house done in record time we ahd lunch then Liz H came round to chew the cud. We chewed for quite a while then went out to the co-op for tea cakes, came back ate tea cakes and chewed more cud. I made pork stew for dinner while Liz was here. After Liz went (around 6.15pm) I made Eva tea, hung he washing out and then played on facebook for a while. Mark came back, we ate tea, watched some tv, Eva went to bed and then I realised that I was shattered so here I am writing stuff then getting ready for my bed. I really need to get a good night's sleep and wake up to go to the zoo tomorrow. I also need to but some sort of bowl for potpori (that's very interesting isn't it) and I shall probably make some cakes for the One25.

So, that's my day...what have you been doing?

Does God Play Football

Adrian Jones sent me a link to this film Directed by Michael Walker. If you haven't seen it you really should take a look. It is only 10mins long and is great. The Britfilms info on it says:

Set in and around a small Yorkshire village in the middle sixties. Tommy is a seven year old boy from a single parent home and as a result finds both himself and his mother alienated from those around them. In a bid to compensate Tommy has filled in the emotional gaps in his life by believing that God is his dad and therefore he must be like Jesus Christ, which is of course why they are treated differently to everyone else.

Anyway, if you want to take a look go to Britfilms - you need to scroll down to the bottom and choose your viewing format.

not busy

Today has been quite restful. Apart from the on-going irritation about the suspension from Uni of Liverpool I am doing ok. Had a great lie in this morning while Mum and Eva played Uno and watched TV. After lunch we went to Tyntesfield House. This is a National Trust property which was purchased by the trust in 2002. It was a great afternoon, I can recommend it especially if you like late nineteenth century gothic interiors.

I made a giant lasagne for tea because we have a house full - Joe has come over from Bath, Elise brought her boyfriend Wayne over and Mark was very hungry. We had garlic bread which was just fantastic. Garlic bread has to be one of the most tasty things in the whole world. We watched TV then I gave up - I am starting to relax and when that happens all I want t do is sleep...so having done a few chores I am not off to my bed. Before I go I must just tell you about Mark and I's James Blunt moment. We don't really know what to do with our feelings about him any more, it was so easy before, but they have been compromised by this:

busy

As the half term break rushed toward me I found myself very busy. Very busy indeed. So,dear reader I must update you with some of the details. I was on survival mode at college last week. Just trying to get over 'the lump' - I can report that it has gone down quite a lot and when I saw the doctor on Friday he didn't look as worried but did still want to see me again next week. That's ok, I have to say it really has gone done quite a a lot and my arm isn't as tingly - so that's good. I am going to try to do some resting this half term. Not quite sure when but I plan to have at least one lie-in and a few early nights.

My plan to cut down on worrying about stuff was thwarted by some irritating news from The University of Liverpool - the powers that be have decided that despite negotiations with my supervisor her decision to allow me to be registered there as well as at Bristol Uni now has to be reversed. So, I have been suspended! It isn't as bad as it sounds and in fact will mean I have more time before I submit but nevertheless it is very stressful. My supervisor and I have spent a lot of time over the weekend putting a good spin on this and have rationalised the situation but on Friday I was gutted and very very angry (It would have been useful if they has spotted this earlier and reversed the decision in a more generous way - an email informing me of the decision was not the best way to find out - but, hey ho!).
I had a few Trinity friends over on Friday night which was the best way to take my mind off it. We had a great time. I felt very relaxed and chilled. A good start to the holidays.

Since then I have (amongst other things) been to an internment of ashes of a much loved parishioner at St Peter's Lawrence Western, taken Eva to dancing at the Rock, been to tea with Jenny Low (Vicar at Lawrence Western), and watched Strictly Come Dancing with Eva - our favourites are Alesha Dixon and Matthew Cutler. Their jive was fantastic - Here it is:


I went to church this morning and my Mum arrived shortly after we got back. She is here for a few days - and I won't lose her! She is downstairs having a little sleep on the sofa, Mark is Making Sunday dinner and Eva and Elise are playing nicely (I think they are skipping). So, all is well. I hope we can get a break from stuff and just get on with being a family over the ext few days. I really feel like we need some time out. If you get a moment and could pop us in your prayers that would very much appreciated.

Anyway, I thought I would share some of the music that has captivated us in the lest few weeks. The Lovely, if not a bit odd, Roisin Murphy's new album is a triumph. She never fails to impress.



We have been enjoying the Radiohead Album, In Rainbows - which we paid £3 for (This is not enough because it is very good) This is a track, Jigsaw Falling Into Place, to listen to - no video.


Kate Nash - Mouthwash. As Bridget Shepherd points out, proves that the themes of Psalm 139 are alive and kicking in popular culture. Loving it.


That's it for mow. Lets get on with it. xxx

lump

If you have just tuned in you may not know that I have had an abscess on my neck (though I have made enough fuss about it I find it difficult to imagine why it hasn't been on the 6 o'clock news). Anyway, I have taken a few days off college to try to kick it into touch. Good news = it isn't so angry looking and sore; bad news = the doctor game me another load of antibiotics and I had a terrible reaction to them (palpitations, ringing in my head, heart racing, bad tummy) so I had to stop taking them. He also thinks it may take a long time for the swelling to go down so I am stuck with a lump the size of a medium potato (the sort of potato that would make a good jacket supper - but not a greedy one).

Anyway, I have come back to college because I have an essay to hand in (I bravely wrote it whilst on my sick bed!). Also, we are playing a game in pastoral group (a group of 12 students meet once a week with a couple of tutors to talk about stuff, have fun and do some spiritual things). The game started 2 weeks ago and today it should end. I want to be there for the end.

Today is our wedding anniversary - 9 years of wedded bliss (don't laugh - most of it has been blissful). So, tonight we are hoping to go out for a meal. When I was young and felt a bit under the weather so wanted to take the day off school my Mum used to say to me that if I wanted to go out in the evening (to Brownies or the like) I would have to go to school in the day. There must be some echo of this maternal law still in operation because this morning I was thinking perhaps I'll take another day to rest my lump, but then thought - no, if I want to go out for dinner with Mark I will have to go to college first! Oh, how these life patterns are laid out for us at an early age. Let that be a lesson to us all.

i thought I'd lost my mum

It has been a bit of a full on emotional roller-coaster of a weekend. I have an abscess on my neck which is now so big it is pressing on a nerve and sending tingles down my arm and up my face and head. I am taking antibiotics but they are grim and I just want to crawl into hole in the ground until it gets better. But unfortunately that wasn't possible because I had my first preach this morning at Christ the King, Bradley Stoke. I have to say I did feel a bit self conscious with my abscess but hey ho. The most amazing thing was that despite my nerves and the fear it was ok. I felt very close to God and very loved. I have no idea if I am going to be any good at preaching - at the moment I would say the jury is out on that one - but I dislike it less this evening than I did last night.

Anyway, as well as the abscess and the preach I also had the stress of think I had lost my mum - by which I mean I couldn't find her. Since my Dad died she and I phone each other nearly every day and I thought we knew each others movements. However, this week I spoke to her on Monday but despite my calling her each night she didn't call me back. I was beginning to worry so called my brother who didn't where she might be. So, I called my Auntie Susan who believe me knows everything that is going on everywhere. For some reason my mother's whereabouts alluded also her. So, we sent out search parties. Aunties Susan went over to her flat and broke in using the (not so) secret key. Eventually she found a neighbour who told her that my mum had gone for a sewing holiday week! I have absolutely no recollection of my mother telling me about this sewing holiday...but I do have a nasty infection so she may have informed me during a fever and I forgot (but I really don't think that is what happened). Oh how the tables have turned. Not long ago my mother would chastise me for not letting her know where I was. Now it's me who is the nag. But seeing as she had a minor heart attack just over a month ago I think it is perfectly reasonable for me to be a bit anxious. Suddenly Virginia Water seemed a long way from Bristol...how much further it is from Liverpool - It has made me think about how to plan Mum into our move back. It needs careful thought and prayer.

one end of the week, or the other.

It has been an interesting week of hearing about people's church leadership styles. There certainly is a lot of diversity in the church of England. I love diversity. I think is what makes life interesting but it seems to be something that the church is finding particularly difficult to deal with at the moment. In the course of the last year it feels like more and more groups of people, churches and types of churches have become more separatist in their approach. Rather than celebrating diversity in congregations it seems that many people have chosen to gather with like minded people and form what might be referred to as 'religious gangs'. This doesn't seem to me to be very useful in terms of offering an alternative to dominant world views. Anyway, I haven't been invited to the Lambeth Conference so I can't ask the Bishops what an earth is going on...But it feels like us little people are getting swamped by the BIG arguments of a few men. And now it appears that those who have been invited have the arrogance to turn the opportunity to talk about these issues down. How does that happen? How do people who are supposed to represent the diversity of the Anglican Communion get to the point where they think the can think it is ok to just not turn up to stuff like this? It beggars belief. I am taking a course at Trinity on Galatians and I have realised the intensity of Paul's feelings about the Jerusalem Church's hold on the early Christian Church. He was really cross (understatement) about how things were panning out in terms of their power and influence on the 'right' way to be Christian. He challenged this power and wrote very strong letters expressing his feelings. BUT he never stopped talking to those he disagreed with. He always kept up the dialogue.

Anyway, Dave Walker has drawn an amusing cartoon called 'Why everyone should go to the Lambeth Conference' - it takes the edge off the bitter taste...



Also Bishop Alan Wilson writes far more articulately about why he IS going to Lambeth.

By the way - if you are not a Christian and you have read this I am so sorry that we don't always offer you credible alternatives to world views. Please don't think that this is a fair representation of Christianity - Jesus is so much better than us, really honest.

my clothes fitted this morning

Is it me or do clothes fit better in the morning? They seemed to look ok when I first put them on and now they feel all tight and awkward. Do I get fatter as the day progresses or is it that as I move about they bumfle up and become oddly ill-fitting? I would love to hear from anyone with similar experiences.

no post

I don't know about you but I am finding it odd to not have post...

I don't get very many handwritten letters (and to be honest I don't send very many) but there is always the possibility of special post isn't there? I do have some books on the way from Amazon and an insurance cover note that I could do with having - just in case. I am not missing the junk mail though.

I have just had a thought...I wonder if this is what God thinks of our prayer? What if there is was 'prayer strike'? The sign would say - 'for industrial reasons all prayer boxes will be sealed after midnight, please seek alternative means of contacting God'. What sort of prayer would God miss? The junk mail (those mail shots that are sent out to sell our ideas to God), the insurance cover prayer (to cover our lives against disaster), bank statement prayers (i.e. how much have I got left in the prayer bank to withdraw some prayer cover now), or the handwritten prayer - written in best?

Anyway, I need most of the post I get (in all its variety) and I am missing it...

how many times have I said I am tired?

I feel like I say this an awful lot...but I am tired. What is distressing is that I can't see when I am going to be able to wind down enough to not be tired. Where is that holiday in the sun? When will I not have too much to do? Coupled with my insistence on getting wound up by every tom dick and harry, my protestant work ethic and that gift of 'giving things a chance before you wipe them off' there seems no opportunity for 'time out'.

Anyway, since I last posted I have hardly touched base or seen Mark. As soon as he was back form Wales I went out to Foundation - which was a great service, with sculptures made by Lizzie and a Eucharist led by Paul. I took a friend with me who got a lot out of both the service and being with Foundationers.

Monday we had a day on leadership led by Mark Bailey. I have to say I found the day quite difficult and left with more questions about leadership and 'big churches' than I had had answered - but that's another story. But it was one too many things for me to take on and I really could have done with the day to focus on what is going on this week and get going on that essay that needs to be done by the weekend. I then went to a birthday drink in the evening (I know I didn't have to, but...3 people at College had their birthday on the same day so it seemed reasonable to celebrate.) So, not the early night I needed!

So, why am I wasting time blogging I hear you ask? - well, I reply - I have realised that this is a great way to turn things around, to get things in perspective. A bit like talking to yourself - but actually it is far more than that. I am much sterner with myself when I blog. I give myself a good talking to. When I read this I think 'come on Ellen pull yourself together, this is just stuff that needs doing and you can sort it out. It really isn't that tricky'. I could quite happily imagine I can't manage, somehow imagine myself unable to get it all done. But seeing it reflected on here I take stock and pick myself up and get back on with stuff. I also get a lot out of your comments (both here, on email and in person), I am greatly encouraged by the fact that you read this blog and that you care enough to think about me in your prayers, devotions and meditations (and thanks for the music, cash and love).

Right I am off before little tears come out my eyes and I lose the focus. xxx

harvest

This weekend is St Peter's, Lawrence Western harvest supper (which was tonight) and Harvest Sunday service (tomorrow). Many Trinity people have gone to the New Forest for the Trinity College weekend away but I thought I should stay here to help with St Peter's stuff. I am very pleased I did because I have met some really amazing people today who are doing volunteer work at the Rock (the community centre that is next to the church). I was very impressed with the amount of work they put in to doing events for the older people in Lawrence Western - particularly providing lunches and special dinners such as today's harvest supper. Though I am not sure it would be appreciated by anyone outside their age group it was great to see them having such a good time together. This is one of the biggest issues for the church community there - the people who go have known each other for 40-50 years, they are a tight group, they have particular ways of doing things - how will new people fit into this? How will new things happen? How will younger people or families fit into their patterns? Anyway, I am not full up with quiche, potatoes and ham as well as apple pie and chocolate swiss roll. So, I am happy enough. But cakes and chitter chatter doesn't appeal to everyone.

I have put Eva to bed and am thinking about going to my bed myself. Mark is away in Wales with Lisa and Aide - they have been up a mountain! Elise is off out with her new boyfriend - Wayne. So, I don't have to be awake to talk to anyone. I have to be up for church at 9.30am so I should really get an early night to my body feels like it has had a lie in. I have the paper to read and a chapter in the Lawrence Western local history book to finish. So, that'll send me off nicely.




If you don't know who to give your harvest offering to this year can I suggest Farm Africa. FARM-Africa is an international non-governmental organisation that aims to reduce poverty in eastern and South Africa. They work in partnership with marginal farmers and herders, helping them to manage their natural resources more effectively and build sustainable livelihoods on their land.

election?

Tonight I was accused of being political. A reasonable accusation and one for which I had no defence. I wonder if it was meant as an insult? To be honest I was flattered that it had been noticed. It just goes to show that challenging discourse has its advantages. Anyway, when I got home after my lecture on Paul's letter to the Galatians - where we discussed the pros and cons of Paul's perspective on gentile circumcision (I am sure you can guess why I was accused of being political now!!!). I sat down and watched Newsnight...After hearing the debate I have decided that by Tues night next week we might know if there may be an election by Christmas! Dave Walker sums it up:



watch this space...

blog awards - the tv series

Dave Walker has posted Premier TV's coverage of the blog awards...If you are interested in all of the links do go to Dave Walker's blog - if you would like to see the handing over of the award to re:jesus then follow the link here.






While you are on Premier you might like to look at some of their programmes - they have a film about Cross and the Switchblade which is quite an interesting look back at the film. It was a seminal film for me as a young Christian along with Thief in the Night - which Ikon are featuring in one of their events on 7th Oct. Both scared me senseless. Their evangelistic positive was definitely cancelled out by the fear they produced. I actually remember seeing Thief in the Night one evening on a Christian house party and having to phone my Mum to ask her to come and get me because I was so scared. She didn't come. But hey ho. I wonder how many other people had a similar experience?

Burma crisis

You may well have heard the news today about the concern for Buddhist monks who appear to have gone missing in Burma. It seems that the situation may have gotten a lot worse than we thought. Amnesty have released this press statement. If you can take a moment to take this action then please do.

10 things I hate about commandments

Mark sent me this movie mash-up. Apart from the swearing - which I can not condone, obviously - it is very amusing.

pen and paper

I had a pen and paper day yesterday and really enjoyed it. No facebook, no blog, no microsoft word. I wrote with my lovely Waterman ink pen on nasty lined paper in a lecture. I scribbled a note to a friend on some bright red card and wrote 'Out of Order!' on the ladies loo in my study block with a pencil on a scrap of old paper I had retrieved from the recycle bin. Later I signed a cheque, filled in a form, underlined some stuff (with a pencil) in my Spirituality book and did some doodles in the margin.

Today I have logged back in to the virtual world and notice that while I was gone Dave Walker was short on drawings, Jonny Baker was worried about Facebook, John Davies is Bats about Batley, Phily J has a Lovely Pair of Hits, Paul Roberts was making Bara Brith and Tracey Wheeler published her diary!.

I am going to write a reflection, plan Monday's chapel worship, read a chapter of a media book and send a letter to the Times. I have 2 hours. Wake me up before you go (go).

letting stuff go

I have had to let some stuff go. If I carry on doing as much, worrying about all the things I have been worried about I am going to go off pop. It has been very difficult to make decisions about what to stop doing, what not to take on and which of the things I am doing to be able to sink my energies into. This year I have to get on with my academic work in order for it to emerge as a reasonable portfolio of work, I must do some more practical and pastoral theology and spend time in a parish (not just going to church but actually spending time seeing how it all ticks over week-by-week). I also have to do more preaching - no matter how I feel about this it is something that has to be done (I am not sure about why the traditional preaching format still exists, who is it serving, who is actually listening and it is the best way to communicate the Gospel? Hey ho). I also have to fit in the last bits of the PhD discipline and prepare for going back to Liverpool. So, how am I going to get the balance? How do I decide where I am needed? How do I get the balance of what I feel I need and what I have to do?

I guess this is what I am having to sort out just now. Some list making and praying is in order...

PJ Harvey

last night Mark and I went to see PJ Harvey at Colston Hall. Sometimes you need to go and see someone perform who is confident in their creativity. It reminds you how confining culture might be if we all saw things in the same way. PJ Harvey has this ability to shift into the character of her songs and become the subject as well as the object. Being alone on stage she is so small and last night she wore a Chekhovian black dress - as if she was 'in mourning for her life' (see Chekhov - The Seagull). She was able to effortlessly shift from Polly to PJ - she generously gave us insight into her humour between songs then, after being lulled into a false sense of security, plunged us into the depths of PJ's inner world. Bonkers and beautiful, exhilarating and painful.

This is Mansized (an old song)


This is the title track from her new album 'White Chalk', this version was recorded for Danish TV - she did this last night and it was haunting powerful.



and this is a review of the new album on late review - Aired 2007-09-07.

Jack Rokka Vs Betty Boo - 'Take Off'

Loving their work...

rejesus

I have just heard that rejesus won 'Most Successful Evangelistic Blog or Site' award at the Christian blog awards last night. Which is a wonderful affirmation of the work the site is doing. So, thanks to Bruce and Karen for making the blog project possible and the other contributors - Poppy, Vicky, Matt (and me) for keeping it going. Congrats to Dave Walker at the cartoon church for winning the 'Best Creative Christian blog or website' category and to Stop the Traffik for 'Best Christian Social Action website' and all the other winners.

I went out last night - it was Michelle's birthday - and had a great time. Had a few too many sherbets but that's ok, though today has been a bit murky. We went over to Stroud for a children's party and to see our yurting gang. Had a great day, even with a bit of a headache. Home for a curry and Ant and Dec - which is about as complicated as it has got tonight. Early to bed will give me a good chance at being fully functioning tomorrow.

rushing into silence

I have been reading David Runcorn - Spirituality Workbook this week. It has been set as a text for the Spirituality sessions at Trinity this year. I am finding it very useful and it has got me thinking about silence. Each week, on a Wednesday, at Trinity we spend an hour in silence. The whole community is encouraged to spend this time reflecting and meditating. It is hard to stop doing what the community spends most of its time doing...that is rushing about: meeting, reading, going to lectures, debating, laughing, eating, crying, but most significantly being together. It is difficult to be physically alone at Trinity - shutting yourself off and trying to find silence is very difficult here.

You know when you can't stop laughing at something when you know you really need to get a grip, but you really can’t? Well that's what it is like to try to be in silence here...you are so carried away with being in a rush that it almost is uncontrollable, being still and quiet doesn't seem to happen easily.

So, what to do? Give up? Sit trying not to rush but then getting that uncontrollable urge and having to internally be very stern with yourself? I don't really know. At the moment I am just giving it a go. It is not the silence that is difficult it is the being still, being still and knowing God (Psalm 46:10).

it's wednesday and it feels like friday

What a week. Starting back at college has been quite full on. I remember this time last year I was doing a block week module on John's gospel and I thought my brain was going to explode. This year I am doing Church and Media and I feel like I am all wrung out. Doing radio interviews (even if they are mocks) has been a challenge, as has being focused on being back in a group. Having spent the summer working on my own and at my own pace it has all come as a bit of a shock.

Fitting into the new routine of college, meeting all the new people and being nice to people has taken it all out of me. Then last night Benny came limping in at 10.30pm having been injured - we later found out that he had been very badly bitten - but his leg was very swollen and he couldn't walk. He was in a lot of pain so I had to take him to the emergency vet...which ended up costing £250!!!! So, today I am much poorer and sleep deprived (got in 1am and then couldn't sleep).

Anyway, I think I just need to get some sleep and chill out a bit...the lack of proper holiday is now kicking in. In all the hustle and bustle it is easy to lose sight of why I am here and where God is in all this. It would be easy to see these as my issues that I need to deal with - get sorted, get over, pull myself together. But, I am learning that it is in this ordinary stuff that I need to find God and let God be.