getting ready for retreat

We have managed to get the house sorted for the visitors expected for ordination weekend. The family are travelling from far and wide to be here - no pressure then! The beds are all made up and I have planned menus for most of the days I am away (cake baking begins in earnest tomorrow). The rehearsal is on Wednesday and the retreat starts on thurs evening. In preparation for the weekend I have been sleeping as much as possible, catching up with friends, seeing the new stuff that has been built in Liverpool since I was last here (e.g. the Liverpool One shopping centre, the urban design centre, the echo arena) and reading a Surprised by Hope by Tom Wright. I a afraid I am not being all that holy. I'm not being not holy but I thought I might find myself being more holy this week but there are still shelves to put up, trips to the dump to do etc. Finding heaven in these ordinary things has been a challenge but God has been there in it all! I realised this when I was at Christ Church yesterday (my sending church and the place where all this 'being a vicar' stuff began). I looked up at the stained glass window from the pew I always sit in and remembered the day that I felt that calling for the first time (I was breast feeding Eva at the time and about to hand her on to someone else to hold her because I had to play the guitar), I had jut been declared bankrupt, had not long been married, was living in a hippie commune and struggling with my faith in a way that I had never experienced before. In the past my faith was a theory, at that time I was clinging on to it for grim death and was living it so tightly I could hardly hold on.

But, during the process of bankruptcy I had for the first time accepted that I was forgiven and that God loved me more than I would ever know or feel - it was an assurance of love that was so deep that I didn't even need to feel it. And as I sat there that day it felt like I could give myself back to God - give up hanging on to my life and it occurred to me that I could be a priest, that I could serve God in a way that was public and transparent. That I could also serve the church (the fragile church that I have had so much beef with over the years!)...and that was it. I made a commitment to God then to pursue that calling and haven't ever felt any differently about it since. That is where it started! Now I am about to make that commitment in front of everyone else and start my new job. So, this week I am trying to be ordinary, getting on with the stuff of life, but just remembering the journey from there to here .

new house

Well, we are in Liverpool and are starting to get settled. It has been ages since I have blogged or even gone on-line. The problem is that thee is no internet connection here - the only way to get on-line is to piggieback on someone else's connection or go to an internet cafe! Both have their own problems neither are effective really and I have very little time at the moment to sort it all out. Anyway, enough of all that - Liverpool is great, the house is getting great and once we have things under control (as much control is possible in the circumstances) I am sure I will feel a bit better. This in between stage of not being student any more and not starting my new job is quite odd.

I would love to blog about this more but unfortunately my time has run out. I will be on-line properly sometime next week and I hope to get some more time before then to check email etc. If you are trying to contact me then the best way is to phone my mobile or leave a comment here or email (as long as you can wait) and I will get to it asap.

valedictory 2008 - pictures

This is a lovely picture of Elise, Eva and I with Bishop Roger Sainsbury and his wife Jenny at yesterday's valedictory service.

I no time to blog! Here are some more pictures of the valedictory on Marks Picassa site

last day with my Trinity friends

So, today was the last time together here at Trinity. The valedictory service went off ok...no tears, only a small fight with Mark at the start and a last chance to say goodbye to people. My head is so full of moving that I was hardly able to take it all in. But it is all done now.


The house is now in complete chaos and it sounds like our new house is a bit chaotic too. The carpets can't get cleaned until the day we actually move in so I have a feeling that the carpet cleaner and the removal people are going to meet on the stairs. hey ho.

Mark has nearly finished cleaning the cooker and there is only Eva's room to sort and the outhouses to clear. So, we are on target. I can't remember it being this last minute when we left Liverpool.

Right I am off to try to sleep. Got to still my head and quieten my heart. The apprehension has kicked in now and worse case scenarios are playing away in my head. My fertile imagination isn't helping very much!

wilson keppel and betty

I needed a bit of cheering up and Ravi reminded me that music hall is always a good cure for..well almost anything. So I have been searching youtube for music hall act. I am not using this act as part of my PhD nevertheless they are very good. Are they a dance act? A comedy trio? A foreign turn? I never really know where to place WK&B. But they always make me laugh and confuse me. So, if you haven't already had the pleasure - Ladies and Gentlemen I give you Wilson Keppel and Betty:

clearing up

There is a lot to do at Loudon HQ. I have made a start today and managed to fill 4 bin bags and made some tough decisions about nick nacks! In addition I made some interesting phone calls to insurance companies to find out how much it is going to cost us to insure the car and house in Liverpool 6. I made some unpleasant discoveries: With my current providers the car insurance was going to go up £400 to £923 and the household £180 to £340. Now that is a steep increase from leafy Sea Mills to lovely Everton...and one that is at once shocking and is surely an injustice. No wonder poorer people don't buy insurance - they pay twice as much as the rich!

Anyway, I made a number of phone calls and managed to get some really good deals with Ecclesiastical Insurance who not only made good discounts for me as a curate but also gave a first policy discount and discount for taking out two policies. The saving was great but the price difference is still shocking.

I am going to sort out some more stuff, clean some more stuff, move bits and bobs about and make sure I get an early night. I am getting excited now about the move (only 3 sleeps left!!!!). The excitement has nearly beaten the fear.

Bridget and Liz H

Liz H has had a little boy - Tobias. He was born in the early hours of the morning. I am so made up because that means I get to see him before we leave. I am so excited for Phil and Liz that they have a little boy, they are coming out of the hospital later tonight and tomorrow Bridget and I will go and visit the brood.

I have had a great day - after my feeling strange day yesterday I am relieved that I managed to turn some of the negativity around (see as the classic Sunday school songs says - "a little talk with Jesus makes it right all right") I problem shared with God is not much of a problem after all. Not to say that the anxiety has magically disappeared but just when I needed to feel like I had a friend I got a great morning shopping, chatting and eating cake with Bridget. I know we left it a bit late to get to be good friends but I love Bridget and she is great.

I am going to miss both Liz and Bridget a great deal when I move. The risk of being good friends with anyone is that you will miss them when they aren't about any more. Love is a crazy thing isn't it: Love only works if you take the risk and that is what makes it hurt when it goes. Not that Liz, Bridget and I will not love each other anymore just that not being in the everyday of each other's lives will mean that we have to renegotiate our relationships. So, that hurts a bit. But I have to say it has been worth it.

a bit strange

It has all gone a bit strange! I now feel like I am out of my depth or a bit lost at sea (or other wet, worried about drowning, unsettled feeling metaphors). I have finished at Trinity (bar the meetings, ceremonies and parties) but am not ready for the next thing. I am moving on Monday and yet not even slightly ready for it. I have nothing packed, everything is a mess, I haven't sorted the cleaning of this house and I don't know if I need to clean the new one (?). We haven't got a cooker for the new house, the carpets (i.e. who's going to pay for them) haven't been sorted, I haven't changed the insurance or the electricity. Suddenly I we are moving and there is so much to do and I have no time to sort it.

Anyway, I had a great day with my new boss, the incumbent (vicar) at the churches I am going to in Liverpool. He came down for a day at Trinity to meet everyone here and hear a bit about what I have been up to. It was a bit strange but it was also a good way to break us into being colleagues. I think my head is going to explode with all this new stuff. It just seems like I am having to react to too many things.

Anyway, the danger is that I panic now and become reactive to all this in a negative way instead of making sure that this is a positive experience. It is only a move after all...

all done

The exam is done and I am now free! The stress of this has been building for so long it feels very strange to be free of it. I can't really discuss how I did and I am finding it difficult to process the whole thing (I shall never speak of the exam again!). I now have a nasty headache and a lot of nervous energy. However, I have got a new haircut (I got a lovely head massage and sat in the massage chair for quite sometime which was great) and I also have collected my special linen black ordination trousers which were specially made for me. So, all is well.

I am sitting in front of the telly, awaiting a plate of chicken curry and a glass of white wine (it will be just a glass as I have a busy day tomorrow and my new boss is coming to stay - he arrives very late this evening). I have a few post-Trinity leavers chores to do and seeing as Liz H has gone into hospital (perhaps a baby might come out in the next 24hrs?) I have a few more bits and bobs to do than I had expected. It would be so great if she gives birth soon because I ould love to see the baby before I leave. I am actually very very excited about the prospect of a small Hassall child.

So, the next few days will be quite busy with meetings and parties. A wonderful combination - and quite typical of the Church of England. I will keep you posted.

foundation

Over the last 2 years I have blogged about Foundation a lot. If you want to know how many times then do a blog search and you'll see! I love Foundation. Even when I have found it hard I have loved Foundation. Perhaps my longing for it as a community has sometimes led me to be cross or protective or romantic but it has been a significant part of my life in Bristol and I am going to miss it a great deal. I say "it" but actually I mean (in no particular order) the people, the fellowship, the theology, the debate, the craic, the pub, Cotham church.

Last night I went to my last little service admirably led by fellow ordainand Philippa. As we all sat around the church and reflected on our limitations (Philippa's theme for the reflection) I was struck by just how limitless God's love is for us. There we were just 'being' together and there was the limitless love of God reflected in our 'being'. We, the ramshackled people of God, 'doing our do' - and in felt good.

As ends go it was a good one. I was very grateful for Paul Robert's affirming prayer for me and my family. I was pleased to be able to say goodbye to my friends and fellow pilgrims. So, thanks Foundation for everything.

I will see you at Greenbelt (or the 'next place') and will miss you loads. xxx

Dr Eisenbarth Wanderbuhn

A little while ago I put up a video on youtube of Mark and I's exploits at the circus with Dr Eisenbarth. The problem was that the video was too long and the quality had ended up being very pixilated. So, we have uploaded it again but this time it is 2 parts. Please remember that I shot this with super8 film so it has a strange quality anyway. It was only 10years ago but it feels like a lifetime away.

Part One


Part Two